I'ved stopped completey from writing, it's been about 1 month or so. Why? Because I'm again I'm heading towards an other dark chapter. Imagine breaking all your bones at once... The pain, but you've managed to heal but with a deformation. My next chapter is to break those bones again but one by one to heal in the right way this time. My heart and my soul is heavy. With Stress, anixiety, with this eternal feeling of abandonment. I thought that reconnecting with the people that hurt me would make my soul at peace.. But I can't seem to be happy. All I can think of is, they'll do it again. I'm filled with so much stress, to be appreciated by my other half, to be the perfect girlfriend, to prove to my surrondings im fighting hard to get what I wish for, to prove I'm worth the love and the time. My anxiety can't stop for one minute.. It's so intense I say something wrong .. A word and I get looked at, wierdly and I hold myself back not to cry or break down because I think I'll break whatever relationship I have with the person I was talking to. I got rid of so many of my friends because I thought it would be better for them to stay away from me before I hurt them. I think about my soulmate who'm I'm petrified to say something, that is wrong and hurt his feelings.. I'm overly stressed, I went to the spa, tried meditation, but it's too intense. The words want to come out so bad, but if I do so, I lose everyone. The words "You Are forgiven" makes me cry like a baby evertime and I don't know why. So much in my mind. Sometimes before I go to sleep I think about what would make me feel better, simple things and yet they will never happen. One, my sibiling tells me that he misses me. Two, I get an apologie from certain people. Three, my other half tells me that I'll be okay and he that he will be there if I needed him. Four, close surroundings would stop lying to me. Lastly Five, I would get a day 100% free of stress. Simple but impossible. Negatif post sorry, next one will be better I promise.
#flower #tired #wish #onewish #love #lies #hurt #damaged #hope #faith